wicked...

Just finished my Pharmacology 1 paper today.
Tough paper, I don't know I gotta make it through or not.
But I hope I can.

Experiencing some kind of bipolar syndrome within myself. I guess.
I'm quite possessive, since I was young, and now, I think I've become over possessive.
I don't like to share things, or... people.
Sometimes I have this crazy thinking.
I guess I just want to make me become others' priority.
At least I want to feel that way when I'm with them.
In reality, thing doesn't go like what I think.
It is in the opposite way actually.
I'm just a nobody, for all the people around me.
I not feeling good with that,
I mean the evil or over possessive part of 'me'.

I keep advise myself, asking myself, force myself,
not to think that way. But I just can't control it keeps playing in my mind.
That make me feel like I'm psychic. =.="
Jealousy fill me till the max.
Because of my centralism, stupid thinking of mine.

Ambitious or aggressive to get victory is good.

Over is not.

I like to compete with others and become the top one since kindergarten.

The good side is competing with others make me improve,cause I don't want to lose.

But now, I feel different way.

I'm 'over aggressive'.

I afraid others better than me in exam, play or whatever stuffs.

I want to win in everything. No matter good or bad things.

This turned me evil, I guess.

The evil me become stronger as day passed.

Even in exam, I can't keep myself off from thinking how's others did the paper.

I even have evil thought sometimes!

That make me feel very bad....But I can't take it out from my mind!

I hate myself for being like this, like cursing others.

That is not me!!! I'm not this kind of person!

What turned me?

What had I did?

WICKED!

I really can't bear this any longer...

It's lots of stress for me, to fill the over possessive, jealousy and the over aggressive all in one...

I don't want to be like this.I HATE to be LIKE THIS!!!

I'm tired of this.I don't want to compete anymore.

I don't want force myself to become the top.

It's suffering when I keep forcing myself to think that way and  in deep inside I know that I'm not that good.

Many people out there are much more better than me.

I can't be the top. With what I have now.

Last minute work, laziness, lack of concentration, bad attitude, keep on procrastinating ...

I not willing to put efforts but I want to get the repay. Bad attitude.

People working so hard out there while I'm watching my movie or sleeping.

Then I expected to become better than them??!!

What the hell is this concept?!

What I got to do?

How I got to make?

I hate to be like this.

Hate to be so wicked...